Yes I’ve neglected this regular post but, hey, it’s here again.
No previews, just right in it.
It’s the Tuesday Turn-On and it’s… Dolph Ziggler!
Yes I’ve neglected this regular post but, hey, it’s here again.
No previews, just right in it.
It’s the Tuesday Turn-On and it’s… Dolph Ziggler!
It’s been a difficult and horrifying week for a lot of people and I’d firstly like to say to any of my readers that have been in any way affected by what has happened that my thoughts were always with you. I can’t put my thoughts down as eloquently as Patton Oswalt so head over there if you haven’t already.
Anyway, I hope I can at least try and put a smile on your faces… it’s Raw In Jokes.
- CM Punk walked off on Raw and is reportedly taking a break earning himself the nickname “Mr Some-Days Off.”
- Ryback revealed he fell out with Cena because Cena never had his back. Ryback also added that he just didn’t know how to quit him.
- Kofi Kingston won the United States title on Raw. “I’m bringing it back to where it belongs” shouted Kofi… from Ghana.
- Fandangoing has swept the WWE Universe making it the biggest WWE internet craze since people pretended to care about Zack Ryder’s career.
Brock Lesnar returned to Raw on Monday issuing yet another challenge to Triple H. Many of the WWE Universe thinks it’s a bad idea, myself included. So, here’s a bunch of jokes about it.
Brock Lesnar has challenged Triple H to a fight at Extreme Rules. You know what they say; third time yucky.
Brock Lesnar v Triple H for the third time? I guess bad things really do come in threes.
Brock Lesnar v Triple H: 3 will be sponsored by shampoo because rinse and repeat seems to be WWE Creative’s motto.
Brock Lesnar v Triple H 3 at Extreme Rules? Awesome! I missed those first two times when Brock got pedigree’d on the steel stairs, said nobody.
I think WWE Creative is run by the same people as the BBC. Sure, there’s some nuggets of brilliance but it’s mostly boring repeats.
WWE have assured fans that there won’t be a Brock v HHH 4 because Brock can’t count that high.
It’s that time again. It’s Raw Recap Sunday.
First up, a sexy gallery featuring 69 (*giggles*) hot pics.
FINALLY… THE B HAS COME BACK TO… POST-ING.
And it’s my Wrestlemania gallery.
Twas the night of Wrestlemania
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even Shea-mouse
The snacks were laid out in the fridge with care
In hopes that the Big Show wouldn’t be there
The beers were nestled all snug in their place
Sky Box Office was booked with a smile on my face
Zack Ryder stood praying for a Wrestlemania push
Dolph Ziggler was oiling from his neck to his tush
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
Mark Henry and Ryback were fighting over who’s better
Away to the window I flew like a flash
To grab a steel chair and slam upon both men’s backs
The glare of my TV on leather sofa that’s actually faux
Gave the lustre of moonlight to the laminate flooring below
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But John Cena crying and saying this will be his year
With a creepy presence, so slimy and slick
CM Punk had appeared to do all of his schtick
More rapid than eagles his opponent soon came
And he sounded the gong and roared Punk’s name
“Rest In Peace” he warned to that calculating man
The problem is CM Punk just didn’t give damn
To the corner of the turnbuckle to the top of the tron
Wrestlemania was soon starting, the excitement had begun
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
There was a raise in the hair above a man’s eye
This was The Rock and although, it appeared strange looking
He was simply reminding us to smell what he is cooking
And then, in a twinkling, I heard backstage
That Triple H was incensed he was in a range
His match with Brock Lesnar could see him retire
With both men’s temperament it’ll come down to the wire
Dressed as a king, his entrance will be grand
The King of Kings surveying his kingdom, sledgehammer in hand
The Show of Shows is all about glamour
But as I went to sit down I heard such a clamour
His thighs how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
And I counted an 8 pack adorned on his belly
His droll little mouth was drawn like a bow
As he told me his name, it was Fan-Dang-O
Chris Jericho his opponent didn’t care for him at all
But I was soon to discover who’d really stand tall
Then I saw a man with a broad face and round belly
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, as he smiled to say
“Funky’s on a roll”, yes, it was Brodus Clay
Flanked by Sweet T and the Dactyls with such beauty
Each shook their pom poms and jiggled their booty
I spoke not a word as the music soon played
The games were over, the WWE logo displayed
Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and JBL too
Welcomed us to Wrestlemania with a how-do-you-do
The fireworks exploded and the excitement rose
I felt a buzz from my head right down to my toes
As Jerry Lawler beamed and roared and got zanier and zanier
“Welcome ladies and gentlemen”… “To WRESTLEMANIA!”
Now, I’m not usually one for reposts but this still counts today.
Last year I wrote an article about why it is I love WWE.
Check it out.
With it being Wrestlemania, I wanted to write something with a bit of gravitas. I then realised I’m not one for all that so I decided to write about something easy, close to my heart, and something we can all relate to: why I love wrestling.
My wrestling fandom began in 1997, when I was just 7 years old. I began watching during the Stephanie McMahon/Test/HHH storyline. My first ever Raw, I sat with my cousin who had been telling me how good it was. It was the big wedding. My cousin brought me up to speed on the story and I watched with glee as it all went horribly wrong. I fell in genuine pre-gay love with Stephanie McMahon (a love affair which continues to this day).
I became enthralled in the story, the fact that the good guy always came out on top. I loved the feeling of danger that came with siding with a heel. I fist-pumped the air when Stone Cold got one over on Vince McMahon. My obsession was deep. Every Christmas, my bedroom became filled with WWF PPV VHS’ and wrestling figures. I loved my wrestling figures. I had hundreds (worth nothing as I always destroyed them). It was using my figures that I first got to grips with writing. I used to spend hours creating intricate stories full of betrayal and scandal.
One of my fondest memories was my first house show. It was 2003, around the time of Wrestlemania. I was a huge John Cena fan. I regularly used to scream “word life” and responded to people in bad rap. My Dad took me into the living room where there was a big piece of cardboard with a marker pen and a brand new wrestling belt. It took me a while to connect the dots and he literally had to spell it out for me. He told me I had 20 minutes to create a sign. I scrawled “Wordlife 619” on it in support of my two favourite wrestlers at the time. We packed up in the car and went. There I watched in amazement at John Cena, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, Big Show… the best of the best. Eddie was doing his run against Big Show and recreated the “sewerage” moment. We went crazy. I was high, high up in the bleachers. We weren’t that well off but my Dad had read about the show in the paper. It was one of the best moments in my life.
When I turned 15, I thought I was too cool for wrestling. I abandoned it completely as my friends would mock me openly for being a fan. When I turned 16, my Grandad died. We were very close but my brothers and sisters weren’t so. I felt angry, isolated and I had nowhere to turn. Then I was sat flicking through channels and saw a WWE Experience show (a compilation of Raw & Smackdown moments). The show had changed massively. John Cena was now a corporate good guy. Still, I found it comforting. Nothing bad happens in WWE that doesn’t go unrewarded. WWE has always taught karma. The bad guy gets it. At a time in my life when everything felt unjust, WWE was just what I needed to believe in life again.
So I began watching and was hooked again. This time I joined the Internet Wrestling Community. I jumped on message boards. After a year or so I checked out Wrestlegasm. I had regular chats with Rae and Andrew and it made me care. Eventually I cared enough to open this very blog because I wanted to share my perspective.
I love WWE. I will always love WWE. My big dream is to be a writer there one day. I’m often mocked for being a 21 year old WWE fan. I’ve been to several house shows now and yeah, the landscape has changed. The sweary teens have been replaced by exciteable kids but, you know what? I love it. These kids that chant for Cena, that get all dressed up and wave signs. They remind me of why I was a fan. Why I am still a fan and why I’ll forever remain a fan.
I’d love to hear your stories, get in touch and I might just put them up!
Hey, it’s Wrestlemania week. We had one last week, we’ll have one this week.
It’s Raw In Jokes.
- John Cena opened Raw saying that he will beat The Rock. An achievable goal as long as he’s not talking about DVD sales
- Seth Rollins referred to the crowd as “Fool Hardy”. WWE were just pleased to have a Hardy on TV without having to pay for their rehab
- Jack Swagger debuted a new shirt. It’s the perfect gift for any fashion focussed racist
- WWE attempted to get fans excited about Triple H’s Wrestlemania Retirement match by having “retired” Superstar Shawn Michaels make yet another appearance. Because nothing gets me more excited about a stipulation than someone who can’t stick to it
- CM Punk and Paul Heyman shocked the WWE Universe as Paul Heyman donned Paul Bearer make up and CM Punk dressed like a druid. The Undertaker has repeatedly come out badly in his interactions with Punk making us wonder if he’s quite up to task. I’ll ponder this in…
‘TAKER IT OR LEAVE IT
- The Undertaker is so old he’s having to change his nickname to the Weenom
- The Undertaker is so old the only streak he has to worry about is the stain he leaves when he can’t make it to the bathroom at night
- The Undertaker is so old he’s having to change his new finisher to The Last Bus
Now, I don’t want you to think I’m anti-Taker. So for all you Undertaker fans, I give you.
CM & Weep
- CM Punk represents the WWE Universe as much as Paula Deen represents healthy eating
- CM Punk dresses like a hobo. Whenever he speaks, I don’t know whether to applaud or send food
- CM Punk is a huge fan of The Walking Dead. If he’s such a fan of mindless zombies, how come he never dated Kelly Kelly?
With Wrestlemania being this Sunday, I wanted to ensure that you weren’t left in the cold when it comes to my Raw gallery.
So here it is.
I know, I’m amazing.
Admittedly, not the best quality this time around but hey, free’s free.
So, Wrestlemania is drawing closer and closer. But what might go down at the Show of Shows? Well, it wouldn’t be a PPV without my always incorrect and bizarre predictions. Remember, these are from the brain of a crazy person.
But do make sure you let me know what YOU think will go down at Wrestlemania.
Wade Barrett v The Miz (Pre-Show Match for the Intercontinental Title)
I think this could prove to be a good match. Yes, it’s pre-show but it’s Wrestlemania AND it’s televised. It’s sad to see The Miz come from main eventing to this but, like every job, sometimes you’re on top and sometimes you’re a bottom. Ok, I may be talking about orgies.
Either way, we’re no doubt in for a treat which I think will see The Miz win the title.
WINNER: The Miz
Team Hell No v Dolph Ziggler & Big E Langston (for the Tag Team Titles)
I think this could be a nice surprise of the night. I don’t think this will be a match that’s remembered for being a great match but I think it’ll act as a storytelling device.
It’s my belief that this match will end in a no-contest thanks to AJ shenanigans. I’m guessing some sort of double count-out. I think that AJ will screw Dolph over and leave him out of the Tag Team title race.
More on Big E’s role later…
WINNERS: No Contest
Tons Of Funk & The Funkadactyls vs Team Rhodes Scholars & The Bella Twins
This match is so dumb. This is more pre-show worthy than Barrett v Miz. But, alas, it’s happening and it’s currently the only divas action on the card.
WINNERS: Team Rhodes Scholars & The Bella Twins
Ryback v Mark Henry
This is a match I’m not particularly interested in seeing. I just don’t buy into a storyline where it’s literally two men putting their dicks on the table and measuring. It seems a pathetic story of “I’M BIGGER THAN YOU” and I don’t think it’s Wrestlemania worthy. However, I do think we’ll see some rather agile big men do some cool stuff.
Chris Jericho vs Fandango
This is one I’m really looking forward to. I know Fandango is a great wrestler and I also know that Chris Jericho knows how to work a match like a freaking pro. Their story has been another loose one. The fact that Jericho isn’t saying Fandango’s name properly isn’t exactly storyline of the year but, at the same time, you know it’s something deeper for Jericho. It’s about respect.
But, I think this is the night of new talent so I’m going for Fandango.
Randy Orton, Sheamus & The Big Show v The Shield
I think this will be a great match. The Big Show is the live wire in this one and there’s been a lot of talk of Sheamus or Randy turning over to the dark side. The three men don’t get along but they have been bound by their hatred for The Shield.
My guess is that The Shield will have an even bigger role at Wrestlemania. Again… more on that later. Either way, they’re winning this.
WINNERS: The Shield
Jack Swagger v Alberto Del Rio (for the World Heavyweight Championship)
Certainly a fun storyline and I think they’ve played it really well. It’s ruffled a few Tea Party feathers and, heck, that’s always fun. I think both these men have great talent and have done a lot with what they’ve been dealt with.
There’s a lot of layers to this match. The bigotry of Swagger and Colter mixed with the pain inflicted on Alberto’s gay Mexican lover, Ricardo Rodriguez. I don’t believe that we’ll see an end to this feud at Wrestlemania.
It’s my belief that the winner of this match will be Jack Swagger who will win thanks to some sort of trickery. I then think Alberto will exact his revenge on Swagger by beating him up. This then gives Dolph Ziggler the chance to cash in, this time, successfully.
However, as Ziggler celebrates in the ring, Big E Langston (who is flanked by AJ) will come to the ring and destroy Ziggler. Ziggler turns face and he and Big E go on to battle it out.
WINNER: Jack Swagger followed by a Dolph Ziggler cash in
Triple H vs Brock Lesnar (If Triple H loses, he must retire)
This is a match where I genuinely don’t know who the winner will be. I find it very hard to guess. Triple H is clearly moving on up with his responsibilities in WWE and spends most of his time finding new talent. Brock Lesnar doesn’t tend to stick around long either, so it’s hard to tell.
I think that Wrestlemania is going to be a night where we say goodbye to old friends. WWE is going home, to where WWE has its headquarters and where it built its empire from. I think it’d be fitting to see new stars formed and older flames be blown out.
That’s why, regrettably, I believe Brock Lesnar will win.
WINNER: Brock Lesnar
The Undertaker v CM Punk
This is another one that’s hard to predict. It’s hard to ever think of the streak being ended but I think if anyone is going to do it, it’s CM Punk. CM Punk is WWE’s biggest new star. He has millions of fans behind him. CM Punk already has the Urn, a part of Undertaker. The only thing keeping Undertaker alive is the streak.
As I said above, I think this Wrestlemania will see some flames burn out and I think Undertaker’s will be one of them. CM Punk wins, kills the streak and, thus, kills Undertaker. And, at the same time, has millions more people hate him to become the ultimate heel.
WINNER: CM Punk
The Rock v John Cena (for the WWE Championship)
I’m looking forward to this match. The simple answer here would be that Cena simply couldn’t lose again, surely not. Because Cena is pinning everything on this… this is his redemption. The Rock, however, has the WWE Title. HIS WWE title. The Rock despises John Cena because Cena is the star of WWE. Michael Cole said it today during the Wrestlemania press conference “this man has held up the WWE for almost ten years”.
This is where things, in my mind, get interesting. What if The Rock wins thanks to The Shield. What if, the entire time, The Rock has been behind The Shield. The injustice they are fighting is the injustice that he isn’t WWE’s biggest star anymore. All the people The Shield have taken out are rising stars or people the fans love. What if The Rock is trying to destroy everything and everyone that seems to be rising hire than he is.
It’s far-fetched. Unlikely to happen. But that’s my prediction.
WINNER: The Rock
So there we have it. The predictions of a mad man. Could we see an epic Face turn from Dolph Ziggler and an epic Heel turn from The Rock?
No matter what happens, I cannot wait for Wrestlemania.
Wrestlemania gets me excited for many reasons. The fact that it’s the only time WWE is cool, the huge stage they always put up, the storylines new and old bounding together. The other thing that gets me excited is the food and… the booze. Wrestlemania is my chance to eat Pizza at 2am without being hammered.
If you’re like me, being a WWE fan can be lonely in real life. Every year it’s a Wrestlemania party for one but do I cry myself to sleep? No. I stock up on treats, fill the drinks cabinet, crush some ice and get loaded with enough sugar to kill 200 diabetics.
So, what’s on my snacks/drinks list?
Let’s Go Cena Cocktail
In commemoration of Cena’s new shirt and also the fact that I actually want him to beat The Rock, this little yellow concoction goes down a treat.
Nothing fancy here.
Throw some ice in a tall glass, fill 1/3 with Original Taboo and then fill ‘er up with Cloudy Lemonade. I call it cloudy because that’s what we Brits call it as we tend to have the Sprite-like stuff mainly over here.
The result is a beautiful yellow concoction that sums Cena up well. Bitter, cool but deep down, sweet.
The Streak Cocktail
All eyes are on The Undertaker at Wrestlemania as CM Punk tries to end the streak. The Undertaker is getting on in age and is barely on WWE programming, could this be the year? Either way, another simple drink for you.
Throw some ice into a glass, fill with 3 shots of Vodka and 1/3 grape juice, 1/3 orange juice and fill the rest with lemonade (the clear kind i.e. Sprite).
Mixing all that in you get a delicious purple combination, The Undertaker’s favourite colour. There’s nothing spooky about this drink though except that it is to die for! The streak may not end but your sobriety will.
The Ziggle Wiggle Cocktail
Dolph may be in Tag Team action at Wrestlemania, but there’s many wondering if he’ll use the night to cash in his Money In The Bank. Either way, I’ve got a drink for you that’s as smooth and delightful as Ziggler’s bubble butt.
Continuing our lemonade/Vodka theme this time with a delicious pink lemonade. Throw some ice in a glass, add 2 shots of tequila, 2 shots of Vodka and fill the rest with pink lemonade.
Just like Ziggler, this pink concoction is smooth, refreshing but the tequila gives it a real kick. This drink is guaranteed to perk you up, much like Ziggler’s smile.
What else is there to say? Pizza is possible the best food in the world. Be sure to have fun with it. The quality of a lot of Pizzas here isn’t great so I tend to make my own. The above drinks go great with any type of Pizza.
I’m a tomato lover so tend to have margarita pizza with extra tomatoes. Why not play with it? Bake your Pizza as normal and using sun dried tomatoes (my favourite) spell out your favourite Superstar’s name or even just make out the WWE Logo.
No picture I’m afraid but if I don’t decide to be lazy, I’ll be sure to put one up!
Chocolate v Sweets (or ‘candy’ for my US friends)
This is always a big decider. Do you go for a chocolate based snack or do you go for something like Red Vines or Haribo? I say, why not both? Wrestlemania is a long show and let’s not forget the hour pre-show.
Here’s what’s on my shopping list for treats:
- Red Vines (via the good people at American Soda)
- Sports Mixtures (my favourite from Maynards)
- Milka Daim Bar
Crisps (or ‘chips’ for my US friends)
I’m definitely a crisps and dip kinda guy when it comes to Wrestlemania. They’re a great filler whilst you’re waiting for your Pizza to bake or just a great comfort snack when your favourite isn’t winning. Now, the traditional route to go is Doritos but I actually prefer Pringles. My favourite is Salt & Vinegar Pringles and the dip? Doritos Sour Cream and Cool Chive.
Now, sometimes Pizza alone can feel a little lame. So this year why not downsize your Pizza and accompany it with some fries? My favourite thing with fries? Cheese! In the UK, we call it Chips & Cheese. It’s simply cheese either melted or unmelted placed over fries. Yum. I think this year I’m going to stick with just Pizza but Chips & Cheese is certainly a great accompaniment.
So sure, this isn’t exactly haute cuisine but it’s Wrestlemania baby! Pig out, have fun and enjoy the show. Plus, anything you have left over can be eaten during Raw.
But do remember. Drink responsibly.
*NOTE: The images above are taken from Google so real results may vary. But, in my defense, you’re the one taking food and drink advice from a Wrestling blog.