OK so, I missed a few things whilst I was away winning elections and rising above hate etc. The one thing I really enjoyed that I missed was The Rock Concert. I mean, come on, it was awesome. I’m totes Team Cena FYI but nothing could’ve beat The Rock’s delivery that night. So, I figured, I’d give it a go myself. Obviously, this is all in text so it’s more text wise. Basically, I’m writing poetry again for reviews. Deal with it, girl. This will now be known as The Bitch Bash.
Tuned into Raw
And to my surprise
CM Punk had anger in his eyes
He wasn’t happy about last week
Oh wait look he’s about to speak
On Raw, yeah talkin’ on Raw
CM Punk’s still as good as before
I know ‘cause he’s talkin’ on Raw
Punk says Jericho stepped out of line
Because he mentioned his Daddy’s crime
Jericho revealed Punk’s Dad’s drunken past
He used to fist beers as often as I fist ass
Yeah Punk, it’s poor old Punk
His Daddy was a crazy drunk
But it’s OK ‘cause he’s CM Punk
Punk got talkin’ but Jericho appeared
He was serious, things got weird
It looked like Jericho was tryin’ to be nice
But then mentioned Punk’s sister’s drugs and vice
Oh fuck, everybody oh fuck
Punk’s sister charges twenty bucks
But only for a tickle and suck
Things got dark and a little hairy
Quite frankly this situation is real scary
Punk says his darkness will soon be revealed
A lot like his sister’s pubic field
So what? Who really gives a fuck?
Punk’s family is real fucked up
But it’s OK because he don’t suck.
Next up was Kane vs The Big Show. The match was interrupted at first by my future husband and resident Big Show troll, Cody Rhodes who showed us a compilation of his “Big Show sucks at ‘Mania” clips. The match got underway and it wasn’t too bad. Big Show even went up top at one point but it wasn’t to be as Cody tried to knock him down. After swatting Cody away, Show tried to turn his attention to Kane. It was all too late, however, as Kane chokeslammed Show from the top rope.
After Kane won, Cody got into the ring with two boxing gloves on and went to down on Show punching him over and over. It was pretty brutal actually. Show couldn’t get up afterwards. I too hope one day that I won’t be able to walk after a good fisting from Cody Rhodes (btw, #fisting is now trending worldwide).
Next up we had a real bore
It was the next chapter in the GM War
Otunga vs Santino was the match
I’d much rather stare at Jennifer Hudson’s snatch
Guess what? Everybody guess what…
This storyline totally sucks
Harder than J-Hud does
The match was average and slow to start
A little bit like Teddy Long’s heart
Teddy knocked J-Lau in his arm
It send his phone into harm
Santino trampled on it and not in jest
There goes Michael Cole’s constant sexts
That’s not hot, we all know that’s not hot
Michael Cole is a massive twot
The thought of him naked is not hot
The action wound down after an Otunga win
Santino was winded and Teddy checked on him
J-Lau gloated and Teddy got in his face
It usually takes defibrillation to make his heart race
But guess what? Hey, you, guess what?
Teddy slapped J-Lau hard
I guess Teddy is a fighter at heart
Next followed a video from The Rock talking about Philadelphia, fighting spirit and cheese steak. It all was randomly awesome.
This was then followed by Daniel “Yes, Yes, Yes” Bryan vs Zack Ryder. Ryder was sure to lose and well, he did.
Cena v Mark Henry was our next match
Henry waddled out lookin’ bad ass
The match went well, what can I say?
Cena won it by hittin’ the AA
But here’s Rock, everybody here’s Rock
Rocky scooped Henry up
He hit the Rock Bottom on that poor shmuck
We then saw a clip of Beth Phoenix and Eve ambushing Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounous. It looks like WWE are following the age old Wrestlemania tradition of making the Divas Match a complete gimmick. We’ve now gone from Jersey Shore to a fame whore. Beth demanded Maria interview them properly and went to attack her. Maria reminded them that they must only fight in the ring. Who is she? I mean, really. Why are people who don’t watch Dancing With The Stars or Extra meant to care? Oh that’s right. She’s got boobs. WWE fans love boobs. *sigh*
The Miz vs Sheamus was our next match but The Miz had a few words to say. Poor Mizzy has been down on his luck and doesn’t seem to be able to catch a break. I guess that coincides with him being unable to catch fellow wrestlers as they tumble outside. Miz said he was determined to get in on ‘Mania and was desperate to get on Team Johnny. Before he could finish what he was saying, Sheamus came out, beat him up and picked up the victory. Oh Miz, it’s not looking good.
Then we had some weird interview with Randy Orton about how he’s still Randy Orton. You’re not Randy. You used to be thrilling, entertaining and engaging. Now you’re boring, mediocre and ageing.
More General Manager madness as Team Johnny (Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger) took on Team Teddy (R-Truth & Kofi Kingston). Vickie and Aksana were also at ringside and things were looking heated between them. Not in a Bischoff “HLA” type of heated but you could tell something brewing. The match, as always with Dolph, was awesome. It ended with Ziggles pinning R-Truth only for R-Truth to get his foot on the rope. Ever the schemer, Vickie knocked Truth’s foot off the rope for Ziggles to pick up the win.
Aksana saw the whole thing in are rare moment of awareness and marched over. She and Vickie then got into a chick fight.
Our Main Event had one theme
It was Undertaker vs The Game
HBK was up on the mic first
Oh my God this guy’s the worst
He sucks, I’m sorry but he sucks
If you retire the door should be shut
Stop ruining my ‘Mania fun
HBK said he knew the result
That at ‘Mania Undertaker’s done
Taker wasn’t happy, and he came out
Have you anymore mascara ‘cause Taker’s out
What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck?
Taker looks like a teenage slut
Who is doing his make-up?
Taker warned Shawn to stay away
That he’s more than had his day
He said if Shawn interferes he’ll see his end
Why the racoon eyes if you’re supposed to be dead?
It sucks, it really, really sucks
To see Undertaker look so rough
I guess he needs to simply stop
HHH soon appeared
He paced around, accidentally spat on his beard
He said he didn’t need Shawn to win his match
Why need Shawn when his wife’ll see to that
Guess what? Everybody guess what?
Triple H is fine no matter what
But Michelle McCool ain’t got no buck
So it ended with Taker about to leave
He was due a sit-down and needed to clean his weave
He smiled at Trips and told him straight
I think HBK is better than you, mate
So what? Seriously, so what?
HBK couldn’t give a fuck
How childish a retort!
So that ends this review
I hoped you liked
Even if you didn’t, I couldn’t give a crap
You perverts only visit for my screencaps
You suck, I hope you know you suck
The most hits I get are for Ziggler’s crotch
When my words are just as hot.
Until next time,