Well after a sucky ending to what was a good PPV, Raw had a lot to do in order to make up for everyone’s expectations not being met. But, did it do the job it needed to do? Well, read on then, stupid.
So the show started with John Cena who was as confused as the rest of us as to what happened at Over The Limit. Cena explained that he wasn’t mad that The Big Show got involved, he was mad that John Laurinaitis is still sticking around. He clearly has poor taste. Anyways, Cena went on to say that The Big Show shouldn’t have done it and then literally described what happened that night. Like play-by-play. It’s like dude, we saw. Cena seemed really mad at what went down. I mean super mad. I imagine he wasn’t even that mad when his wife filed for divorce.
He was then interrupted by Eve who introduced J-Lau. Due to his heroic match at Over The Limit, J-Lau was rocking a mobility scooter. He made it looked good, jazzed it up with a people power symbol. J-Lau got swag, yo. Sadly, that swag doesn’t extend to the mic as J-Lau explained that he re-hired Big Show on Saturday. Now for anyone who actually listens, you’ll know that the board of directors stipulated that any superstar who gets involved on the Sunday would be fired. Meaning Big Show would be fired. J-Lau continued that, if Cena touches him again, he’ll be fired on the spot. He also announced that Big Show would be Cena’s opponent at No Way Out.
Then, Show himself made an appearance and explained that he went rouge because nobody cared about him. He said that, when he broke down crying, nobody came to his defence, nobody asked if he was OK. Basically, Show is forever alone.
After telling Cena he’d basically destroy him at No Way Out, Show left. Otunga then turned up to the party for a match with Cena. Cena warned Otunga that he “wasn’t in the mood” which sounds like something he said to his wife a lot. No wonder they’re over. Otunga got involved anyway and Cena basically destroyed him like I hope one day Cody Rhodes will destroy my you-know-what. After Cena made Otunga tap, Tyler Reks, Curt Hawkins, Darren Young and Titus O’Neil all came in to beat on Cena. Sheamus then turned up and after violently shoving J-Lau, cleared the ring.
A furious J-Lau, who was watching it all from his scooter, set a match. A 2 on 3 handicap match but this had a twist, it’d be a LUMBERJACK match. Let me hear you say ooooh (ooooh).
It was then time for the next match to get under way and Ricardo Rodriguez was set to announce Alberto Del Rio. He was interrupted by Santino who told RR that he wasn’t doing his job right. RR was furious as Santino explained that he couldn’t roll his R’s. Santino is good at rolling his R’s. He’s also good at rolling his cars. Santino then hit the Cobra on RR and left the ring.
The ADR v Orton match then got underway. It all got pretty boring. Chris Jericho appeared just when Orton was going to hit the RKO. Jericho hit the Codebreaker and then took to the mic declaring he’s the “best in the world”. Again. Jericho lost that moniker in a match. It was the whole point of it. Jericho then hit two subsequent Codebreakers and left. Eurgh. The whole thing makes me want to go desecrate a flag.
Daniel Bryan then made his way to the ring. See, he felt that he won the match because Punk tapped out at Over The Limit. What actually happened was that Punk tapped after winning with a 3 count. Bryan denied this and showed some footage of Punk tapping. Punk then came out to settle things. He explained that, despite the fact that it was one of the best battles he’s ever been in, he still beat him 1, 2, 3. Then another issue was bought up. D-Bry got involved in a match that Punk had against Kane, making Kane believe Punk had hit him with a chair. Punk explained that Kane now knows the full facts and wants his revenge.
Kane v Bryan was a so-so match and I think WWE have no idea what to do with Kane anymore. The dude clearly believes he’s still a demon but we’ve seen enough Vampire Diaries and Twilight to know that supernatural beings are way prettier. Punk was on commentary for the match which was also pretty fun. Punk then managed to return the favour to Bryan, by making Kane thing Bryan was going to beat on him with a chair. Kane then destroyed him. I hope that this doesn’t become a triple threat thing. I hate triple threat. I always seems to me like the geeky kid asking if he can “play too”. After being chokeslammed, Punk added insult to injury and put the Anaconda Vice onto Bryan. Meanie.
Speaking of meanie, Puk then saw AJ backstage and AJ was giving him the crazy eyes. Punk then said that she was basically an idiot for still caring about Bryan. Real sensitive, Punk. AJ began crying and Punk got all autistic, not knowing what to do. He then revealed that he actually sort of digs crazy chicks. Smooth.
We then had Christian v Jinder Mahal. I’m not even going to dignify this with a real recap. Just: ZZZZ.
Divas action was up next with Beth Phoenix taking on Kelly Kelly. Ksquared was all ditzy and gleeful after ranking pretty highly on the Maxim Hot 100. That’s right, the Maxim Hot 100. Y’know, that well known wrestling magazine? Anyways, Beth annihilated Kelly. Question; since Kelly Kelly was wearing stars and stripes, and Beth Phoenix kicked her, does that mean that Beth is going to get suspended too?
It was the 2 on 3 lumberjack handicap match which made our main event. Cena and Sheamus’ opponents were Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger and The Artist Formerly Known As Prince… Albert – Lord Tensai. It was actually a good match and not the clusterfuck I expected. I still don’t buy Tensai as a real human being but Ziggler and Swagger never fail to put a tingle in my dingle. That’s my sex dingle and my wrestling dingle. The match ended when the lumberjacks went crazy and the entire locker room emptied. I hope one day to have an entire locker room empty on me too.
Cena meanwhile, slipped away looking for The Big Show. He ran backstage to find him but bumped into J-Lau instead. Cena carried on looking but found a WMD to the face. I hate Big Show but that punch was frickin’ awesome.
So that was Raw. What did you think?
Until next time,