RAW this past Monday was a three hour All-Star spectacular. We’re talking legends, great matches, storylines and, of course, uber promotion of WWE’s new All Stars game. But was this 3 hour outing to be an All Star event?
We began with the huge announcement of the main event; John Cena v CM Punk. A match I was actually excited about. It was clear from the off that the new game would be heavily feature and it’s to be expected. I’m on the fence about whether or not to actually buy the game. I might give it a LoveFilm rental.
Anyhoo, back to the action, Miz made his way to the ring. Miz in a suit with his ass bursting out of the pants makes me cream myself instantly. You may think that’s a bit TMI but who cares? I’m amongst friends, right? So Miz makes a big speech about how he thinks that he’s the All Star of All Stars. I don’t really hear what he says because I’m too mesmerised by his beauty. I really need to take a cold shower before RAW in future. He also says that Stone Cold Steve Austin owes him an apology. For those too lazy to read my last RAW recap, SCSA was special guest ref in a tag match involving Miz and he stunned Miz and helped create the set up for his loss of the match. So, SCSA isn’t one for being called out and not answering that call and made his way to the ring. I love the dynamic between these two already so I got excited. SCSA told Miz that he was a great talker but he’s not a fighter. He said A-Ry talked the talk AND walked the walked. In my opinion, walking the walk is over-rated.
SCSA felt that The Miz and A-Ry had a lot to sort out and that maybe they should get counselling. I predicted awful segments in the same vein as the LayCool stuff. Then my mind wandered to sex therapy and I think I actually might’ve lost myself. However, upon rewind, SCSA felt the best therapy money can buy could be in the ring… In Piper’s Pit. Now, I’ll be honest, I’m not a great fan of Rowdy Roddy Piper. I find his schtick irritating but, each to their own. SCSA then told Miz to get the hell out the ring before he stunned him.
After Miz left, Alberto Del Rio decided to make an appearance. Del Rio is getting mighty boring now and his speeches are too similar. He’s like the Peter Kay of WWE. After banging on about destiny, SCSA decided that it was Del Rio’s destiny to get his butt kicked as, waiting to get at him, was Kane!
This was to be the first match of the night and, to be honest, it kind of sucked. It was bland and ended in a DQ after Del Rio refused to adhere to a rope break. After trying to break Kane’s arm for a good 2 minutes, Big Show made his way to the ring. Big Show running was hilarious to me and I’ve actually taken to watching it over and over so if there are any smarty pants out there that could make me a GIF, I’d probably blow you and/or a close friend. Show beat down on Del Rio’s personal ring announcer and punched him until he was unconscious. SCSA then appeared to announce that Del Rio and Show would go head to head at Capitol Punishment.
From Big Show to Sex Show, next was Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase and Wade Barrett v Daniel Bryan, Sin Cara and Ezekiel Jackson. The sex show btw was referring to Cody and Ted. Just want to clear that quickly. Again, my penis ended up watching this for me as my eyes were glued to Cody’s ample butt and bulge but I’m always impressed by Sin Cara. Problem is, he doesn’t finish big. I mean, the guy won the match with a freakin’ cross body. Most people can do a cross body. I demand more flippy things.
Getting some time in the ring after the match was Hornswaggle who was using a shirt gun to amp up the crowd. I can’t stomach seeing these sorts of guns since Maude died in The Simpsons. It’s still a bit too fresh for me. Swaggle didn’t get to fire for long as R Truth interrupted. Truth bounced down to the ring, crazy in his eyes as he declared he was a “GOOD R TROOF”. He asked for a go of the gun and Hornswaggle refused, instead firing a t shirt at Truth! Oh my. Unhappy, Truth then grabbed Hornswaggle in what seemed to be some sort of creepy kid-loves-their-doll kind of hug only then to kick him in the face. Hornswaggle went down like a hooker in an alleyway. SCSA then hit the big screen telling Truth to pick on someone his own size, we were then shown John Morrison who looks a lot like a seal when he smiles. Literally just noticed.
More ridiculousness followed with Sheamus going against Santino. It ended exactly how you thought it might, well, sort of. Sheamus, of course, picked up the win but this time he decided to do a cloverleaf-style submission move. Very interesting indeed.
Next was Randy Snoreton who made his way to the ring to tell Christian that he should come out and face him. Christian had subjected Orton to yet another attack with the belt so Orton was looking for blood. Christian at first refused to come out but when Orton baited him, he changed his tune. Orton was actually pretty good, in all fairness, so I was sort of impressed. When Christian got to the ring, however, he was about to leave but then a team of security arrived. Oh, security, how I’ve missed you. A plot device like no other. The Anonymous GM then piped up that Orton had a concussion (seriously?) and could not compete. The GM said that if Orton doesn’t go home, he will be stripped of the title. That’s the Anon RAW GM… pretty sure he/she can’t do that.
SCSA then announced that just because Orton can’t fight, doesn’t mean Christian can’t. A match against Rey Mysterio was set.
I’m extremely unlikely to ever get excited about a Rey Mysterio match and this was no different. A boring match that ended in another 5-Count DQ as Christian kept Rey in the corner for too long. After the bell had been rung, Christian continued his assault but it seemed that Rey was getting the upperhand. That was, until, New Nexus arrived. After getting his butt kicked by Mason Ryan, Christian hit Rey with the Killswitch.
Backstage is everyone’s favourite non-couple since Oprah and Gayle… Dolph and Vicki! Vicki is protesting that SCSA set a match for Capitol Punishment for Dolph to face Kofi Kingston for the US Title. SCSA agreed but, on one condition, Dolph dump Vicki! Vicki’s face then brilliantly told a thousand words as she screeched that he can’t do this. Dolph then agreed to these terms and Vicki got extremely upset. SCSA then revealed he was joking. Hilarious. My favourite moment of the night so far.
Following that was R Truth v John Morrison. R Truth had made his way to the ring and waited for John Morrison but the dude was a no show. Truth then took to the mic to tell Morrison to get his ass to the ring. After feeling unheard, Truth headed backstage to discover Morrison laid out. Thus ensued hilarity on a level that made me think I was tripping on acid. “LIL JIMMY GOT JONNY, LET’S CHECK IT OUT” screamed a now clearly BAD R TROOF who continued to attack Morrison ending the entire thing with “TAKE THAT LIL JIMMY”. Oh Lil Jimmy. Poor kid.
Next was tag action seeing Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler take on Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston. A pretty solid match which saw Evan pick up the win.
Then it was the moment I was dreading, Piper’s Pit. I have a lot of respect for the legends but WWE pull out the same old shit over and over and it gets boring. Every time they do some sort of nostalgia show it’s the same thing. Although, to be fair, this is the closest we’ve gotten to an All Star. More on that later. Piper and Miz spoke for a while, just the two of them, and Piper declared his dislike for Miz. Miz said he found the entire thing ridiculous. Piper said he was on A-Ry’s side. A-Ry came out and said that Miz is basically such a skanky bitch and he should stay away from him. Miz said A-Ry is a gutless whore and if he’s ever near his boyfriend again, he’ll cut him. I may have made up more of this in my head out of boredom. Anyhoo, Piper then declared that A-Ry will probably win at Capitol Punishment. Miz was appalled and told Piper to put his money where his mouth is. A-Ry said that not only is he going to beat him, but Piper could. After annoying deliberation they both agreed to a match where the winner would get $5000. SCSA made it official… and A-Ry will be special guest ref!
The match happened very predictable but Miz’s ass was busting so hard I didn’t care. A-Ry got handsy with Miz, Miz attacked him, A-Ry fought back, Roddy hit the surprise roll up and won. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Meanwhile my head drifts off into dreams of meeting Miz backstage in the WWE showers. His sexy, sweat-glistening body… *ahem* Sorry.
Next was a spot I’m not even willing to discuss at length. WWE decided it’d be nice to roll out every Diva on the freakin’ roster for a 7 on 7 tag match. Only, the match consisted of very little fighting as Kelly Kelly picked up the win. Then Eve decided that WWE fans are likely to watch The Tony awards and did some weird tribute to the Rockettes. AND IF I’M GONNA RECAP THAT, I’VE GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA: CLUSTER. FUCK.
Backstage we got the moment the internet was begging for. CM Punk and SCSA. The segment started with Andy “same expression for everything” Levine being told to F Off the minute things got exciting. Punk then said he was worried SCSA was running the show whilst drunk thus giving us what I believe is the best WWE moment of the year so far:
Brilliant. Just brilliant. Punk went on to thank SCSA for his match against Cena and SCSA then banned New Nexus from ringside.
SCSA then made his way to the ring to make an announcement. He said that next week will be a three hour show again (really?!) and that it will be viewers choice. After that, the Anon GM chimed in which resulted in SCSA trying to beat up Michael Cole and then pouring beer on a laptop. I mean, come on, Apple computers aren’t cheap. Why are they doing this?!
The main event, finally. It was actually a fantastic match which just goes to show that these two men are at the top for a reason. Say what you like about Cena, he knows how to work a crowd and he and Punk worked brilliantly. As the match went on, R Truth appeared out of nowhere in the crowd. He went over to a kid and took his John Cena hat. It looked like he was about to spit water at the kid and Cena begged him not to but was hit by the GTS before he could do anything. Punk then rolled away and Truth entered the ring. Truth then used the WATER BOTTLE OF DEATH (how can it hurt?!) and hit Cena with his finisher.
The show overall was stupid. Where were the All Stars? We literally got Roddy Piper and Stone Cold Steve Austin. They could’ve had Bill DeMott, they could’ve used Trish, there are so many All Stars out there but instead it was more like a WWE Current Stars. Next week is WWE Viewers Choice which basically means WWE manipulates the polls.
Until then, I shall dream of Miz.