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So this week’s RAW was coming off Survivor Series where we got a new WWE Champion, CM Punk. Punk, however, wasn’t simply going to just carry a belt. He reckons he’s got a mission and he wanted to let the WWE Universe know. Well, first off, he said we shouldn’t be a Universe. We’re fans. I must say, I love when he says stuff like this. I get that the average wrestling fan is probably a bit chunkier at the waist but to refer to us a solar system is a bit harsh.
Punk said he wants to be an agent for change (he doesn’t mean a sex change doctor btw) and that he thinks that the fans should get what they want. He also thinks that John Laurinaitis should resign. This to me, would be a travesty. The man just gets increasingly better week on week. He’s hilarious. Well, with that, Laurinaitis made his way out and said that Punk needs to realise that Laurinaitis can do things on the fly. Punk challenged this but Laurinaitis made it clear that he doesn’t need tattoos to be cool. Seriously, how can you not adore that man?
So a match was made for next week where Alberto Del Rio will get his rematch but tonight it was to be Dolph Ziggler v CM Punk. The crowd and Punk made it obvious they wanted Ryder but the deal was done. Punk then sort-of threatened Laurinaitis with physical harm but he did really clever wording so that he wouldn’t get fired. Such… a hoot.
We then got treated to an exclusive clip of The Rock giving a speech after Survivor Series and the crowd chanting “We Want Ryder”. This was followed by The Rock pretending he wasn’t pissed off that someone else was stealing his limelight. What an asshole.
This then lead in to Zack Ryder taking on Alberto Del Rio. The match, in all honesty, was a bit of a squash but Ryder actually held his own. I’m still on the side of thinking Ryder is over-rated but he’s certainly innovative.
Then Sheamus went up against Jack Swagger. It was a nice call back to the fact Sheamus got DQ’d from the elimination match for pummeling Swagger. It’s widely believed that, that was a re-worked finish due to Sin Cara super-botching and injuring his knee. Woopsie. Another good match and it’s clear having Vickie in his corner is helping Swagger. He lost, but still, nice work.
We were then subjected to Kevin Nash. Since HHH hasn’t been around we’ve been given the same speech week after week about how HHH is a terrible friend and Nash is really upset. Boo hoo. I wish he’d stop turning up on RAW and write in his journal instead. Nash banged on about thinking he had a friend but instead he had a boss and now he’s the only Kliq member left standing. Do you know how many people were left standing? Nobody. They all used their Diva bathroom break for Nash.
Then the beautiful Cody Rhodes turned up. You’ve probably noticed but I’d like to reiterate that Cody’s new trunks send me wild. The dude looks stacked. I’m actually in love. Cody explained his new attitude by saying that having the mask made him vulnerable to predators (he meant physical, not sexual before you get smart). He said that now the mask was off he is free to be the best he can be. He then showed this by defeating Santino Morella in a quick match.
It was after the match that the real action happened. Booker T has been burying Cody whilst announcing for weeks and well, Cody finally reached his boiling point and confronted him. Cody screamed that “I WATCH THE SHOW” which was totally cute. I wonder if he masturbates watching his matches like I do? What? TMI? Anyway, Cody decided that Booker needed cooling down so threw some water over him. I guess Booker T is another addition to the long list of people Cody Rhodes has made wet. ZIIIING.
In a backstage interview, Josh Matthews tried to make Dolph realise he got eliminated so technically didn’t win two Survivor Series matches. Dolph, however, disagreed because he was technically on the winning team. Dude has a point but I may be biased on the account of erections Dolph has bestowed upon my crotch. Dolph then said he was the new face of WWE.
This then lead into his match against CM Punk. A match that was wasted on RAW. It was fantastic and Dolph’s drop kick on Punk is something to behold. Punk was amazing too and, despite a slip up, the match ran smooth. These are two men who are very good in ring and I’d say go and bloody watch it. It was made doubly hilarious when Vickie Guerrero intervened and started flirting with Punk.
Then Big Show came out and said a bunch of stuff about wanting to fist Mark Henry. I dunno. Lost interest.
Backstage Alicia Fox and Kelly Kelly were playing WWE 12. Did you know WWE had a new video game? No? Me neither. They never mention it (!) Either way, Beth Phoenix and Natalya walked in and said something about Barbie characters not crying in the game. It was dumb but they’re doing the best with what they can. Plus, that finisher Beth hit on Eve at Survivor Series makes up for everything.
Wade Barrett went up against Kofi Kingston. I’m not a Barrett fan. I find him boring and his matches really samey. Now he’s feuding with Orton my interest has bottomed out even more. Sorry guys but that’s how it is. Barrett beat Kingston and then did his winners announcement himself, gloating to Orton who was doing his Brokeback Mountain “I wish I knew how to quit you” stare.
After that John Cena turned up. He said that Survivor Series was interesting and then decided to relay everything that happened. Um, leave the recapping to me OK? Thank you. Cena then said that The Rock was clearly at the top of his game and that will only make their Wrestlemania match all the more better. As he said so, The Miz and R Truth interrupted. They said that nobody cares about Cena as The Rock has taken over. It was a good segment but slightly marred by the fact I found out R Truth had been suspended before watching.
John Cena then turned the tables and said that they should worry about each other. He said Miz thought Truth was riding his coattails and that Truth thought Miz was a pompous ass whose greatest achievement was being a skinny loudmouth on a crappy reality TV show. Or something along those lines.
Miz and Truth started shoving each other but decided to go after Cena. However, as they made it to the top of the ramp, Miz hit the Skull Crushing Finale on Truth. Interesting how the suspension announcement came the day after Truth had the perfect exit storyline.
I smell a C-O-N SPIRACY!
Until next time,